We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
