Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
