omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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