theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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