so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm getting married
To pizza
is that a dick in a sweater?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
