I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
