I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Randomize
