I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
