We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
