On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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