smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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