she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
