I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
