i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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