Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
