I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
