Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
