My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
