Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Randomize
