I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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