textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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