speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
