I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
This is not my ceiling
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
