my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
