in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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