Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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