There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm gonna fight the coyote
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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