I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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