She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
