vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
