I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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