I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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