Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
