I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
