Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
