Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
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