i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
