you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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