the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Randomize
