I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
