i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
