Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
