I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
