Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Randomize
