is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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