This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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