I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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