Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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