We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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