But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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