Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
