You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
