I am puke
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
